Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
