when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just threw up on my dentist
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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