What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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