I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
