My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You're a waste of cheezeits
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
