So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
