You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
