I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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