Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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