isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
