He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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