Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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