i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
