i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
