The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize