Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
