Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
