I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
