You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
