if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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