fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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