I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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