Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
