i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
