My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
