i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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