dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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