I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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