If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
