And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
FUCK WHALES
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