yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize