I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Enjoy the penises
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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