Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize