woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
