What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
