Can i not drive my cunt home
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
