I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you win again, gameday.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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