ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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