My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
