Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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