Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
