:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
