Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
