Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
