I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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