I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
