She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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