Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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