I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
