Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
