DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Everyone says I win the strip club
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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