somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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