Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize