Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's rum buckets o'clock
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
