I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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