I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just puked most of my soul out..
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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