Tell her she can't have a vagina
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
