I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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