so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
